The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i need some magic done to my vagina
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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