Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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