You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
