she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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