If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
