is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
