He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
