and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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