Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
