Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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