I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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