I cannot find my penis.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
