I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
