hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
