i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
