her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
