Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
