i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
