I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
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