Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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