I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
