you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
