Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
