your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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