I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Send help, water and tortillas.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
