im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
