so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I touched a dick in church today
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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