You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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