The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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