Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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