Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
