That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize