She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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