Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize