There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
