Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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