Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
