an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
