Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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