I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize