somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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