at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
