We're facebook friends in real life
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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