Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
