omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
