The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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