so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
