We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
