i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
