Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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