I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
