we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
