Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
