3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
