I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
