I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
