My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
