I met the friendliest cop last night
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
