The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
